Clockwise from left...
1. Torq Hypotonic drink
£6.99 (6 sachets), zyro.co.uk
The barman says, ‘Awfully sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.’ A tachyon walks into a bar. Now, Torq’s Hypotonic solution won’t make you faster than a hypothetical particle, but its combination of electrolytes and 2:1 glucose/fructose mix does promise to hydrate and energise in double-quick time.
2. Selle Italia Novus SuperFlow saddle
£116.99, chickencyclekit.co.uk
There’s a hole in my Novus, dear Selle Italia, dear Selle Italia. But far from needing to be mended, the hole in the Novus’s middle is designed to relieve perennial pressure and thus promote a succession of children to whom you can sing nursery rhymes.
3. Lucho Dillitos Bocadillos
£16.99 (12), luchodillitos.co.uk
Legend has it that in the 1960s Colombian cycling was dominated by two things: watches and guava. Directeurs sportif would apparently drive up next to the opposition, roll up their sleeves and ask the rider to pick a watch in exchange for their tactical efforts. Meanwhile, those efforts would be powered by these, bocadillos: delicious chunks of guava jelly and cane sugar that deliver high-energy boosts, all neatly wrapped up in a biodegradable leaf.
4. Guee Inox Mini-R rear light
£29.99, i-ride.co.uk
Sometimes all you want to do in life is convert your bicycle to look a little bit like a spaceship, and that’s where the rechargeable Inox can help. A set of LEDs throws 60 lumens horizontally, while an underside LED casts a 360° red spotlight onto the floor beneath your bike for that classic, alien saucer look.
5. Widget Silicone bar tape
£29.99, velobrands.co.uk
There are three things certain in life: death, taxes and that Sean Kelly will make the calcerlation and take the bunification. The frustrating nature of wrapping bars used to be on that list but has since been banished by Widget’s super grippy Silicone tape, which can be wrapped, re-wrapped then re-wrapped again as its own friction holds it in place.